Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A Christmas To Remember....

     I'm sharing this mostly because it's a story I find funnier and funnier each time I recall it - and I want to be able to remember it 30 years down the road.  Also because I think most moms out there will get a good laugh as well.

     Brandt and I have our bedroom upstairs across the back of the house.  We mostly keep our bedroom door locked when we're not in it because it's our private space and after the lotion incident of 2010 and the nail polish incident of 2011, I'm not sure the carpet could take much more.  Our bedroom is attached to the master bath via a short hallway and the linen closet in the bathroom is sort of a pass-through to the hallway linen closet as well.  Our 5 year old, Elle figured out that if she moved the towels, she could crawl through into our bathroom and have herself some care-free spa time complete with pedicure & manicure.  Unfortunately she managed to smuggle some polish into the kitchen where she stealthily painted her own name onto the bottom shelf of the cupboard we keep the glasses in.  She was smart enough to cover it up with 2 sippy-cups once it had dried.  Gotta love 5 year old logic... 

     Anyways - She knew how to get into our bedroom.   She also apparently knew how to find my vibrator.  I knew someone had found it because at one point, I found it laying outside of my locked bedroom door.  I certainly hadn't left it there, and was fairly certain that Brandt hadn't left it there either.  Last time he had seen it, there was some joking about it being equipped with a pull-start engine and some other horrible teasing.  Well - I showed him.  Actually, I didn't.  Which was his punishment.  Moving right along... I knew someone else knew.  

     I did what any other good Mom would do.  I picked it up, put it back in it's drawer and never spoke of the matter for fear of how uncomfortable I might be.

     A month or so goes by and one night as I'm changing sheets on the bed, Elle strolls through my bedroom to use our bathroom (because of the 4 bathrooms, ours is HER favorite).  On her way back out, she stops by my dresser, opens my drawer, finds what she's looking for, pulls it out, and innocently asks "What's this?".  I was relieved to know she had been the culprit, and caught totally off guard.  In sticking with the Perfect Mommy role, I told her it was a back massager.  I panicked, and it was the first logical thing that came to mind. 

     After changing the sheets, I decide to re-arrange the hall linen closet and moved all the big stuff to the bottom shelf hindering her attempts to break into our room.   Case closed.  At least for a few months.

     Fast forward to Christmas Day.  We've been lucky enough to have it at our house the past few years.  I secretly think it's because nobody wants three little kids tearing up their homes - but whatever the reason, I get to have it.   We invite Grandpas, Grandmas, Great Grandparents too.  Aunts, Uncles, and lots of friends.  It's a full house and I wouldn't want it any other way.

     This past Christmas was just as crowded and we had all just sat down to eat when Brandts sister commented on how her back was still hurting her (she had some back surgery the year before and it hadn't fixed the problem).   NOW... I know you're all seeing this wonderful foreshadowing here.  I wish we had!  We were both out of the dining room and didn't have a CLUE any of this was transpiring.  I think I was out in the garage getting a soda from our second fridge and Brandt was in the family room or something.   Luckily he caught a glimpse of Elle as she turned the corner and walked into the dining room and noticed she had something in her hand that looked vaguely familiar.   Brandt's Dad was in the kitchen (just through a door from the formal dining room) and was watching this whole thing happen. 

     Elle walked her little self into the dining room, approached her Aunt as she sat eating her Christmas dinner, and said "Here Auntie - I'll help your back feel better"... then turned this REALLY REALLY loud bright pink vibrator on and proceeded to rub her back with it. 

     And EVERYONE saw.   

     While they were eating their Christmas Dinner, everyone got to watch Elle massage her aunts back with my pink vibrator.  

     According to Brandts Dad, he's never seen Brandt move that quickly.  Brandt flew through the kitchen, into the dining room, and stole Elle's back massager like a thief in the night.  He wasn't quick enough by any means because the laughter I heard when as I walked back into the hallway was enormous.  I about died as I was filled in on what had just happened and had a hard time walking back into that room full of people. 

     Thank God everyone had a good sense of humor about it, and in hindsight, it's a memory nobody will forget anytime soon.  It's truly my funniest Christmas story, and I know it has been for others.   I think I may have laughed even harder to hear the story had been repeated amongst the Aunts & Uncles at another Christmas get-together later that day... and would have loved to hear one of them say to her husband "It was a DILDO!"... 

     I'm sorry for any emotional trauma this brought to Brandt's sister - but the laughter was worth every buzz!

1 comment:

  1. Very funny story! I found it even funnier when I read your profile and realized you live in scandahoovian Minnesota,where people tend to be reserved. I also live in the Twin Cites.