Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Can you relate?

     It struck me as odd to find myself feeling a bit guilty this afternoon while I was driving Lars to his dentist appointment.  I wasn't working.  Brandt was.  In fact, I'm still not working and don't have to be at the office for another hour.  He won't be home until sometime after midnight today as he's working quite a ways out of town.  So today, I felt guilty.

     Then, I felt angry.  Just at myself - but angry nonetheless.  My day started the same time as his.  In fact, I woke him up.  I got 3 kids up, fed them, dressed them, did their hair, took 2 of them to pre-school, got to the office shortly after 8, worked until 10:30, came home, re-dressed Elle, did her hair again, got her & Lars lunch (Yes... I caved and got McDonalds.  I was angry at myself for that too, but THAT is a whole 'nother blog post!), picked up Lars from pre-school, took Elle to her Grandparents house so I could take Lars to his dentist appointment, visited there for 10 minutes so Lars could have a motor-cycle (scooter) ride, spent 10 more minutes pulling him off said scooter and listening to him scream his over-tired napless little boy head off, realized he was in his big-boy underwear and made a quick stop for pull-ups because I didn't really want to leave THAT impression on our new dentist :)

     I was angry for feeling guilty since I wasn't at work.  Yet, there I was - working.  Feeling awfully sick-ish after my fish sandwich - but working.  Chauffering, Dentisting, pull-up buying, unhealthy lunch taking WORK.  I was doing for my family and in my messed up Mommy brain, I concluded this wasn't worthy of being a job.  

     So there I was... driving along - enjoying the sunshine and warm weather that has finally settled upon us Minne-snow-tans - and I felt guilty because I. Wasn't. Working.

     Funny, huh.

     Funny because I was tired.  I was stressed out - and I was ready for a nap.  But technically, I was "off" and "not working" and therefore this must not count.  This was the equivalent of lounging on the deck reading a book.  And it struck me again that THIS must be how many SAHM's feel on a daily basis.  Ready for a nap, but the closest they will get is watching their child(ren) take one since the laundry fairy isn't real and won't be stopping by.

     And ladies - I'm here to tell ya - in MY opinion, it's less work when I go to work.  It's a break for me.  I get more done, and I rarely have to yell at people to get them to listen to me :)  I can pee with the door closed and microwave my cup-o-soup in peace.  I don't even have any little lips hanging over my can of soda and so far, nobody has drawn on my desk with a sharpie!

     Of course, along with working comes this guilt of not taking more time off and spending it with my family.  Then there's the anger I found when I realized I felt guilty.  I'm left wondering if there is a happy medium somewhere along the line -and am hoping to find it soon!  I wonder, has anyone else has found theirs??


  1. Wow! Sorry to be commenting two days late but I swear you must have heard my internal argument with myself back on Tues! I sent a long ol' email to my husband yesterday justifying why I believe it's ok for me to be selfish - because me wanting to work is just that, selfish. And my guys are not even 8 months yet. I truly believe, though, that I'm better for them because I get this time to myself at work. While I'm at work, waiting for my work to work itself through, I can peruse blogs and write emails. I can't do that at home with twins that are still babies. But justifying being selfish just seems so wrong. I just don't know how SAHM's do it. I get this time to myself, I have a yard crew, a house cleaner, a pool guy, etc. I don't know how SAHM's do it!

    Great blog!

    1. Well thank you for your comment! Being a SAHM is harder than my job - and most other jobs. I did it for a short while and loved it - but I had to work. It's up to each mom what to do... and neither choice is right or wrong... just different :)